party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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