dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
