You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
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I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
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I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize