sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
