in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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