so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
