At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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