he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
