Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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