They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
