I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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