he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
