I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
