Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
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I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.