I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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