He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
