I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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