I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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