jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
