I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
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I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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