Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
