I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
