Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
