There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
