I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
