Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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