Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
