I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
