I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
