We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies