Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You blew him?!?!
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.