I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
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just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
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Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.