I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
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When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.