dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
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just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
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The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.