How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
