Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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