Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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