So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm both gender and math confused
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
