sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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