I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
