my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
