don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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