Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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