I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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