Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
