This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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