You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
