dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
