omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
