I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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