I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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