we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
