my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
