I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The ass gains better be worth it
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